the 100 day project – 44/45

Ok. So let’s start off by saying that I am well aware that I am not following the actual protocol of the 100 day project. I have actually been preeeeeetty lazy about it. And honestly, the only thing that is really keeping me going at the moment, is the shame that I will feel if my friend Naben has to message me one more time telling me to stop being such a lazy asshole about writing.

To be fair (to myself)¬†though, it’s not just laziness, but rather it is also the feeling of complete self indulgence and BORINGness that comes with writing shit about my own thoughts and feelings publicly every day. I know that anxiety, and sleeplessness, and the feeling that maybe I will be alone forever are somewhat universal emotions. But it also feels like at 32, these are things that should not be occupying a large piece of real estate in my daily thoughts. It feels like I should be more sure of myself at this point. At the same time, the more that I read about, and talk to, mentory types, the more that I think that the idea that anyone ever really feels “together” is a ridiculous illusion. Of at least there is a strong sense that any who is ambitious and always striving for more, will never actually feel the great relief that they have finally reached some plateau where things are exactly as they had always wished that they would be. When you have always wanted more, you will continue to always want more. That is the price of being an ambitious perfectionist. Right? Right.

The other price of that is also at times feeling like your work is trite tedium that noone could ever have any interest of reading (watching/listening to/paying you for). So in this regard, sometimes the struggle isn’t just to get the work done, but to keep getting it done despite a strong sense of self doubt in any of your skills.

Wooooo. And if that didn’t make tonight’s entry overly self indulgent and tedious, then I really have no idea what could.