The Weekly Coastal

IMG_1313.JPGSo many things have happened this week.

Found a roommate, who will be moving in at the beginning of August. Got some exciting work-related news that I’ll be sharing soon. Met with some great community builders out here on the coast, and getting to learn the lay of the land a bit more. And I got through my first week of #30seadays. A few days were challenging, especially the overcast ones, but it has actually been so incredibly nice to make it a priority to go in the ocean. I love it. It’s also been a great excuse to get pals together at the sea most days. “Have you done your dip yet?” When pals know that you’re going to the ocean every day, they start to come with you.

I posted about this on my insta, but my true goal in this challenge is not just to get into the ocean, but to build up the bravery to REALLY spend time in the sea. I love the water. I love floating. I love swimming. But the sad truth is that when I get out into deeper waters, I’m still pretty overcome with fear that something in the water is going to “get me”. What if an orca attacks me? What if a seal sneaks up on me and bites my leg? What if there’s an octopus? What if there’s a sea monster? What if?

My dream self is a woman who wakes up early, runs to the sea, and then does solo lengths when everything is still quiet and peaceful. Preferably, these solo lengths will not be accompanied by near-crippling panic that something from deep in the ocean will attack me, amiright?!

I’m hoping that this habit of going into the ocean every day will slowly eat away at that irrational sense of panic, and that I’ll be one step closer to being that woman.

Friday night, Jenn McRae and I tried to “go out” and learned some lessons about going out past 8pm on the Coast. All the brewery food trucks are closed by this time, so we went “downtown” to grab sushi and take it to Gibsons Tapworks with us. It might not be the norm, but this Friday night Gibsons Tapworks was the place to be for 20 year olds. We ended the quiet-ish “night out” getting nachos at the Black Fish, and were home probably by 10:30. NEXT TIME – go out earlier, ladies! Persephone seems to generally be the place to be if you want to hit up somewhere lively. Though we’re told that when there’s an event on at the Roberts Creek Legion, that that’s a good choice too. And I’ve also since been told that Smitty’s stays open later on Friday nights as well.

I wish that I’d taken a photo of my makeup/outfit for the evening but didn’t get around to it. Getting dressed was also a serious battle of city vibes vs coast vibes. I had to take my outfit down a notch a few times before heading out the door, and it was still sooooooooo city. I couldn’t help myself! I haven’t yet built up my collection of casual linen tunics, so city vibes it is!

Some pals were visiting Clayton and J’s this weekend, so there was another big pal dinner, and some v good friend dips Saturday night.

Finished off the week having some beers with Ryan Griffiths at Persephone and getting advice on buying old cars. There’s a chance that an old Mercedes wagon might be in my future, but we’ll see what the mechanic says. It’s just so pretttyyyyyyyyyy.

Other things:

I need to add some structure to my physical activity. A new crossfit gym opened in Gibsons that I’m going to check out this week, and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I love it.

Adding more run partners into the mix, because I need all the motivation that I can get. If I want to make this 100k a reality next year, it’s time to get on it.

I have to say, as much as I am loving life on the coast, freelance hustle has been getting to me HARD this week. While I love the freedom and flexibility, and so many things, sometimes it would be so nice to just have a job that I go to and get a paycheque from regularly. Freelancing is exciting, and exhilarating and challenging and wonderful, but let’s be real, sometimes it is also so anxiety-inducing and exhausting. Just thought that I should throw that out there along with all of my “OMGGGGG BEST LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE” posts about long table dinners and ocean swims.

That’s all for now, friends. More updates next week on The Weekly Coastal.

Learning to doubt the doubter

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Stop Worrying print by Sandi Falconer

I’m a self doubter. It’s what I do. Am I ready for this? Do I deserve that? Am I good enough?

I’ve worked really hard to overcome these doubts on both the career and friend fronts. And while I’m still not quite where I would like to be, I’m getting there. My outlook in these realms is immeasurably better than it would have been a few years ago, and I’m even starting to feel comfortable saying that I’m doing a good job (as a self judger/doubter, this is actually no easy task, let me tell you!).

For some reason though, the strides that I’ve made platonically and professionally have for the most part utterly failed to translate into the romantic areas of my life. For years and years, I have lamented, “Where do I meet the right person?! So many of the best dudes are in solid relationships already. Internet dating is terrible. I am not interested in the type of guy who is usually interested in me. I only ever have connections with people who are moving/dating someone else/living far away. Ugggggggh.” But the truth of the matter is that even if I did meet a person who possessed all of these qualities that I desire in a partner, and even if they did show interest in me, no relationship would come of it. Why? Because deep down (or shallowly down?), I just don’t believe that anyone who I really admire/desire/swoon over would ever have any interest in me whatsoever. I don’t think that I have enough value.

I recently went for a Tarot card reading (JUDGE AWAY. WHATEVEEEEEEEEEEEER) and one of the things that the cards said was that I, “desire a stable/secure relationship, but refuse to accept opportunity that arises”, and further that I, “fear what I cannot control about myself”. Oof. And honestly, I can’t say that any of this was at all surprising.

It’s true. When potential does come along, I work so hard to come across as though I’m as unaffected as possible. This is because 1) the person probably has no interest in me anyways, so DON’T PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE, ALTAIRA! YOU WILL BE REJECTED AND LOOK LIKE A DUMMY AND BE SAD; and 2) if I show any weakness, and not just strength and all of the good parts of myself, then they will definitely hate me forever, and not only that, they will tell everyone what a messed up horrible weirdo I am, and life will be a million times worse than if I had just kept my life to myself and never even tried at all. RIGHT?!?

So great. I know that I have work to do. The problem is that I am not entirely sure how to do the work that needs to be done? What steps do you take to make yourself really believe that you’re enough, and to stop thinking that you’re less than you are? How do you foster vulnerability? How do you master romantic confidence? How do you not just awkwardly avoid and run away as soon anything even remotely related to a romantic situation happens?

I do not know the answers to these questions, but I guess asking them at all is the first step? I’m starting a self directed practice of acceptance and commitment therapy, and I am confident that this will begin to lead me down the right path. It’s hard – changing the story that you’ve been telling yourself for so long. But hot damn, life’s too short not to try.

THE END.

the 100 day project – day 75

So yesterday I wrote a post about the worst parts of mental health issues, and today I’m writing a post about some of the best things.

Today, I watched some of my fellow runners run a really hard race. But on top of just watching this, I watched Steven watch Preety run a really hard race. And let me tell you, there are no love eyes like this set of love eyes. I told Steven this afterwards, but this is what I aspire to. Because if my partner doesn’t look at me like he’s dying inside with love and pride whenever I race past him, then what is the fucking point. These two are the shit. They are the love.

I have several couples like this in my life – who make me feel all soft inside. And even though sometimes being single suuuuuuuuucks, it’s so so so nice to see people who you admire who are so fucking in love.

The end.

We met on the Internet

A brief surmisal of my non-adventures in online dating. Username shown is not my own.

Recently I have found myself re-delving into the world of online dating. Although, this time around it would probably be more aptly described as online lurking. I have been on Internet dates in the past, with the best outcome leading to a strange and indifferent one month fling, and the worst being an hour long date where the guy showed up on a bicycle emblazoned with a dragon whose  side of the conversation consisted mostly of him telling me how much he hated his job and didn’t really have any ambitions. All-in-all, not too successful, but no horror stories.

I started off with the intention that this time around, I would message every person back, I would be open-minded about people who looked weird based on their profile pics, I would not judge people’s profiles based on their grammar, and god-dammit, I would go on some dates. This renewed zest and vigour lasted for approximately a grand total of one afternoon. Even with the people who look interesting, who I think that I might like in real life, I usually muster up the strength for one or two messages and then just CANNOT BE BOTHERED EVEN REMOTELY CARING.

So why do I keep my okcupid account? And more importantly, why do i keep checking it? Well… I wish that I had an answer for you there. In terms of efficiency and accuracy in dating, I sure do not believe that it’s the best interface for choosing someone to meet up with. So you both like Wes Anderson movies and science? ZOMG! You also both know that in reality, it will take about two seconds of meeting in real life to be able to tell if you are even remotely interested in carrying on a conversation with the other person. Amiright?

I suppose that I have enough friends who have met their AMAZING partners on online dating sites, that I feel like it’s worthwhile to hold out hope… to sift through the messages from pervs asking if they can be my slave, and the sad type of nerd who thinks that because I like TNG, it means I want to hang out with them drinking Mountain Dew in their mom’s basement…

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I started off with a purpose, and it’s kind of meandering into a long rambley blah blah blah. Which, I guess, is exactly how I feel about online dating.

But hey, a girl’s gotta’ try.